An open letter to New Zealand, or maybe a suburban diaspora

Dear New Zealand,

although it may have seemed like a joke or a funny little aside for so many Australians to say after the result of the 2013 federal election, I am not playing around when I say I’m considering moving to your fair shores to escape the misery, strife and economic rationalism of a Tony Abbott-led government.

I have always had unwavering respect for your nation, believing it to be a smaller yet cleaner and far more progressive version of Australia. As Mark Latham said in one of his moments of lucidity, “New Zealand is the Switzerland of the Pacific”, obviously without the discrimination of migrants in parks and public pools and without Oprah Winfrey getting in a flap over being refused the purchase of a gaudy piece of fabric as a handbag that costs five-figures or some such.

I’ve been to New Zealand only once before, for a week’s holiday when I was 13, but I was very impressed with how bright, friendly and switched-on both your people and country is. I do not wish to piss in your pocket, but how are you not a bigger presence on the world stage? Oh but of course, you’re humble and happy to stay as one of the few happy and content wallflowers on the international stage.

As an Australian, I’ve always been conscious of not automatically claiming the people and products of your good country as “our” own, to me, Split Enz is New Zealand. Sam Neill is New Zealand. Russell Crowe. John Clarke. Pavlova. New Zealand.

I’ve enjoyed the films of Peter Jackson, specifically the pre-Hollywood titles: the ribald Bad Taste. The divine Heavenly Creatures and The Frighteners for having that foxy Trini Alvarado in a lead role.

Yes, I am willing to leave Australia because of a hard-line conservative government elected to rule, and yes, I am aware that currently New Zealand is governed by a conservative party, but hey, any conservative party that legalises marriage equality can’t be that bad, can it? I’m only a 23 and already a staunch Labor voter, but how impressive are the people of your own Labour Party? Helen Clark, Mike Rann and especially Georgina Beyer, the world’s first elected transgender MP! I am also impressed by how more equitable your society is in relation to your indigenous people, unlike Australia’s own.

New Zealand, if you’re happy to have me, I pledge full allegiance to Aotearoa, because after all, if a country that can give the world such happy and peaceful people (no, I’m not one of the Australian fools that idolises and glorifies the socioeconomic thuggery as a way of life of Once Were Warriors, seriously, how many skinny white teenage Aussies have to be a starfucker for that guy?) like Edmund Hillary, The Topp Twins, Ernest Rutherford and Janet Frame … well, I’m gushing so I’ll conclude.

Already quite a few left-leaning Australians are rhapsodizing migrating to New Zealand, and indeed this has already been decried as “comfortable, well-off white people”, but fuck that, I’m getting in first.If anyone wishes to fund my passage across the Tasman, please contact me to exchange bank details 😉

Spills, Thrills and Bellyaches

June 26, 2013:

Will he? Won’t we? Who cares? Who else is sick and tired of what the Australian Labor Party has become – a popularity contest worse than any to be found in primary school. There’s been pissing contests less juvenile and (ultimately) less self-harming than this. Although a bit of fun has come from Leader of the House Anthony Albanese emerging from his office to a media scrum and using Manager of Opposition Business Christopher Pyne as a human shield. Hmm, is there a publishing spin-off here, 1001 Uses for a Christopher Pyne?

At 4.30pm, after a day of frenzied (more so than usual) speculation that a leadership spill would occur, and rumours of a petition to reinstall Kevin Rudd to the leadership, Julia Gillard announced a ballot to be held tonight at 7 pm.

So here’s me eating a Shirley Valentine-esque dinner of egg and chips in front of ABC News 24, ready to take it all in for you.

I’m in two thoughts over this: 1. If Rudd wins and becomes Prime Minister again, will he behave better than he did last time? For all the hissy fits over hairdryers, shunning and dismissing members of the cabinet and generally showing more signs of petulance and megalomania than Tony Blair (if that’s possible), Rudd better have learned his lesson and govern for all with all members of government. 2. It’s going to take a long time to get over this history of squabbling and in-fighting. Although I’m a proud “Gillardite”, if Rudd returns will that not give Labor the vote of the political apathetic who encourage the on-going popularity contests? I hope so, for more than anything I hope Labor triumphs, whoever’s at the helm, in order to keep Tony Abbott out of the top job.

And who is left to step up to a Rudd ministry? ABC News 24’s Lyndall Curtis earlier pointed out that there are “those within the party who have very strong opinions of Kevin Rudd … they are expected if he wins to stand down from the ministry.” So that leaves out Wayne Swan, Kate Ellis, Tanya Plibersek, and Peter Garrett … If Rudd is successful, it will be interesting to see who is elevated to a cabinet position. Bill Shorten’s announced that if Gillard remains leader he’ll resign his position as Minister for Workplace Relations and go to the backbench.

Independents Rob Oakeshott and Tony Windsor, both famous for endorsing Gillard and Labor in this minority government, resigned today. Interestingly, Bob Katter has said he’ll support a Rudd Labor government. Until the election in September, if it’s not brought forward, will Oakeshott and Windsor continue to support Labor in the meantime?

“If I lose, I announce that I will not contest the next election.” Yes, Kevin. We’ve all heard you say that before. Gonna keep a promise this time?

It’s 6.57pm and Team Gillard has made its way to the caucus room – a defiant show of whose gang’s bigger than whose. Kevin Rudd trailed behind a minute later, on his own, curiously resplendent in a blue-tie.

—

I’ve been into politics since I was 14. I practically voted then despite being underage as from the 2004 election, my mum would ask who to vote for and I said she should vote Labor. Yes, we voted for a Mark Latham-led Labor, which in hindsight would have most likely been catastrophic, but it would have been bloody interesting. Who could forget when Marky Mark shouted down then-Prime Minister John Howard introducing George W. Bush to the House of Representatives as an “arselicker!”? And when he allegedly broke a cab-driver’s arm in an argument. And that handshake. The day before that election, Latham and Howard’s paths crossed at a radio station with dozens of photographers in attendance. Both decided to cordially greet each other and shake hands – instead, Latham grabbed on to Howard’s hand a bit too hard, and the resulting handshake turned into a body shake for the short and older Howard. Still, plenty of laughs though. Though hardly having the wit of Paul Keating, lest we forget Latham’s barrage of insults with a bully-boy edge. “Conga line of suckholes”?

—

7.19pm

Curiously, Leigh Sales is presenting an earlier edition of 7.30, and on the screen behind her is a picture of Rudd in close-up with “Rudd P.M.” as the title. Not even a question mark? Prescience or carelessness? As an aside, 7.30’s Chris Uhlmann, reporting from outside the caucus room, is married to Gai Brodtman, the Member for Canberra. Sure, a possible conflict of interest may arise from time to time, but I’ve never seen Brodtman in Question Time – is she the most hermit-like of backbenchers or is it just me?

—

PROS for Rudd:

–          He’s got the popularity vote – mindless, apathetic, gormless halfwits will vote for him in their droves.

–          He’s had the top job before, so therefore experienced.

CONS for Rudd:

–          Temper tantrums

–          Being held up to even higher standards than before.

PROs for Gillard:

–          Personally, she’s awesome.

–          She doesn’t get into a flap. I’ve yet to hear anything of Gillard ever “losing it” and becoming a sweary scary rager like Rudd.

–          In the face of adversity (i.e. the “Noalition”), she’s never backed down from a challenge and never shown any signs of stress or difficulty with it.

CONS for Gillard:

–          All that crap since 2010 about her “knifing” Rudd. I don’t know why people and the media keep spinning this lie. She asked for a leadership spill, Rudd agreed and resigned before the vote. So she never really “knifed” him, did she? Why has nobody ever understood this?

8.30 PM

And the votes are in, with Rudd the victor with 57 votes to Gillard’s 45. Still no official word from either party and now I’m bored with the constant (over-)analysis of everything that’s already happened by the usual pundits. Truth be told my interest is waning – I now want to go straight to tomorrow and find out who’s got what cabinet role, and Jewish Mum of the Year is on ABC2. Typical, me.

So there we have it – Rudd as leader and ultimately to be Prime Minister. Will there be an earlier election? Will the Gillard-loyal politicians be sent forthwith to the backbench? Will Rudd learn his lesson and become a truly unifying leader for the ALP? All I know is I’m off to get me some simcha (and I mean that in the most respectful way) action on the other channel.

L’chaim, Kevin.

Don’t fuck it up.

— LINKS ADDED SOON

Related articles

• Rudd wins 57 to 45: Gillard defeated in ballot (theage.com.au)

Crying foul of crying fowl

Sorry, but it’s time for another rant.

The “menu” of Menugate, from theconversation.com

Another day, another sexist jibe at Julia Gillard with the usual defence of “I didn’t mean it like that” and “It’s been taken out of context”, and with the usual non-apology of “If I’ve caused any offence I’m sorry”. Well, how is someone supposed to take the insult of “Julia Gillard Kentucky Fried Quail, with small breasts, huge thighs and a big red box”? I’ve never known any male politician to receive insults based on his gender and appearance on the same level. And to all those who cry foul – and in this case crying fowl if not wolf – over Tony Abbott’s bathers getting branded “budgie smugglers” – are you not abusers enabling abusers? I’ve only ever heard two cracks based on gender and appearance at a male politician, to wit:

1. My then stepmother after a few glasses of wine greeted the news of former Deputy PM John Anderson resigning due to a prostate condition as, “Yeah, he’s got a small dick!”
2. My aunt didn’t vote for Labor led by Mark Latham because Latham “had man-boobs”.

Not exactly in the same league as a constant barrage of references to gender, sexuality and appearance is it?

This week started off with Prime Minister Gillard making a speech at a fundraising event where she stated that if Tony Abbott was to become PM, then abortion would be used as a “political plaything” and denouncing the Liberals as “blue ties”. For some reason everyone took umbrage to that remark and thought it flippant. The next day “Menugate” was revealed where at a dinner for more Liberal losers a menu was supplied with the aforementioned Quail remark. There was also some pith about eating your greens “before the Greens take over everything”. Hardly in the same league as Dorothy Parker, Oscar Wilde or the writers of Frasier.

Then come Friday the Prime Minister was against insulted by Perth’s 6PR’s Howard Sattler, who asked the PM if her partner Tim Mathieson was “gay” because he used to work as a hairdresser, and trying to accuse the PM of being Mr Mathieson’s “beard”. Thankfully Sattler was sacked, but is now doing the usual Liberal thing of crying wolf or fowl by claiming he was dismissed from his job because he has Parkinson’s disease. Don’t start getting the shakes now, Howard. To top it all off and make this a week of rubbish, Daily Telegraph columnist Piers Akerman (has there ever been a high-profile columnist in a News Limited publication that isn’t right-wing? Bloody Rupert) appeared on ABC1’s Insiders to say he’d heard plenty of rumours about the PM and her partner’s private lives and was basically trying to repeat Sattler’s theory, only to again offer the usual non-apology when called out on it.

Do I again need to share the link to Dr Anne Summers’ lecture on the barrage of misogynistic abuse, not that it doesn’t already bear endless re-reading to hopefully educate people to make a stand when sexism occurs?

So where does all this misogyny come from? Stupidity is the obvious answer, but how is it allowed to be ingrained and grow in the first place? Why are the criticisms of the current government based on gender and sexuality instead of policies? There’s one lesbian in parliament, the awesome Senator Penny Wong, Minister for Finance; but why do deadshits have as an insult that all women in the cabinet are lesbian? Are these not the same homophobic idiots who repel from the sight of a single gay man yet love to get their rocks off watching lesbian porn? And why is that? Really, I’d like to know as I’ve never been able to fathom that old chestnut of idiocy.

The whole thing is fucked up, and it’s time to end it now as there’s less than 100 days until the next election. For if Tony Abbott and his band of bullying thugs form the next government, then misogyny and abuse will become legislation; even though I’m just a single white male (UGH!), that scares the shit out of me.