From A to B to E (picking and mixing religion)

Not too shabby looking …

I’m not religious, so it wasn’t a big surprise that after doing an online quiz (no, not the “What type of porn star am I?” or “Which sexual position is best for me?” type) on which religion is “best” for me. I got 100% compatibility with Unitarian Universalism, which makes sense I guess – I’ve never believed in a god, much less the usual Christian one or any other type, and especially not Jesus (he’s always seemed a bit of a pansy) and the poster-child for hypocrites and the small-minded. Why have so many of my peers joined MySpace or Facebook and ticked the box that they’re a Christian when they’re anything but? My “religion” on social media has gone from Atheist to Buddhist/Judaism and is currently Humanist Judaism, which I’ve cheekily subtitled as “From Goy to Oy”, Philosemite that I am. And with all these people saying they’re a Christian despite living like a “heretic” if not the hedonist they are, it’s due to them being christened isn’t it? I was, in the Uniting Church (clearly the best form of Christianity around, with their progressiveness and acceptance of women and gay people) and it’s the only time I’ve been in a church. Same goes for them I reckon.

I used to call myself an atheist but it seemed too militant (i.e. stubborn – just look at Richard Dawkins) and so dabbled with calling myself a Humanist, but Humanism doesn’t believe in an “afterlife” – I believe in ghosts because I’ve seen one twice – if they don’t exist, then why so much of them in popular culture? Same for aliens, too – but I don’t extend the same courtesy to the current cultural undead phenomena of vampires and werewolves. That’s ridic. I dabble in astrology too, due to my mum being a teacher of it so I’ve picked up bits and pieces over the years and found most parts to be true – I’m a Leo with a Virgo moon and an Aries ascendant, and if you’re up with the zodiac then you would’ve known by now.

I’ve always felt a bit iffy towards most believers of Christianity since in my Year 5 R.E. class, when the class clown asked the voluntary scripture teacher if he was a paedophile and the guy became more flustered and “Ummed” and “Ahhed” than Hugh Grant in a rom-com, declaring “I don’t know what one of them is.” Yeah, a likely story. My other big beefs with “God-botherers”, however serious they may be, have been the remarks that when somebody dies it was “God wanted them” (hardly an invite to an A-list party) and “God sends these things to test us” – well then, get the guy a stress ball! If you’ve got stress, then take some time out, have a drink, pop a pill or change your own circumstances – don’t shift the blame to a supposedly omnipresent, phony “eye-in-the-sky” – there we go, God: the original voyeur!

And as for Catholicism, it was bad enough my ancestors were Huguenots (kicked out of France for refusing to tow the line and kow-tow to the Catholic God – what champs!) only for my great-grandparents to return to the fold and subject my family to never-ending requiem masses when they snuffed it. This point is best shown by my Mum’s favourite funereal memory, when my great-grandfather from the other side of the family had the big Catholic burial and as his coffin was lowered into the grave, one of the handlers nearly fell in with it. Imagine! Having to be bored out of your mind by Latin and other rituals, and then trying not to laugh for an hour or more. Funnily enough, my Mum – the new ager with hippie ideals that she is – rebelled as a teenager by going to a bible study group. Just goes to show the limited appeal of Christianity. And it’s always a source of mirth and dismay of the hypocrisy that her best friend from that time is still believing she’s Jesus’ own sunbeam and won’t let her kids read Harry Potter but will let them watch Star Trek.

In the census before last, I put my religion down as ‘Buddhist’, mainly to boost the numbers and I do agree with some parts of it (and as the quiz shows, I do have some “compatibility” with the Theravada and Mahayana strains of Buddhism): the eight-fold path – better than a garden path – and that the Buddha himself was pretty much a top bloke, however I don’t look good in orange and nor would I look good in Orange.

Which brings me down the list to Reform Judaism (YAY!).

Since my philosemitism blossomed at the age of 16, I’ve always been trying to learn more about Judaism as a whole, and I often think of converting, mainly for the purely selfish reason that I could then call myself Jewish, selfish because of how holistically attractive I think any Jewish person is. But if I was Jewish, would all my out and proud pro-Jew and pro-Israel sentiments then make a “God-botherer” out of me? Perhaps it’s best to leave it alone and go on being the astrology and ghost-believing atheist-lite philosemite that I am. I already bandy about words and would love to do rituals that come from Judaism and to convert to even the Reform branch of Judaism requires a few years study, and even with something I like (and parts I believe) so strongly I would inevitably indulge my indolent streak and let it slide – much like my half-arsed attempt at getting a degree, three years and counting of on-again, off-again time-wasting.

And would Jews have me anyway? For all my chest-thumping and obsessing over Judaism, I’m saddened to say that I’ve never knowingly met a Jew and worry that I appear patronising in my love, respect and defence for Jewish people. Come on, it’s all very presumptuous on my part isn’t it? There’s no Jewish congregation or even a place to go and learn about it here in Gympie where I currently live – it would be like going to learn about veganism at a butcher’s. For all the good that books do, they’re not a patch on learning in person sometimes.

As much as I believe in the separation of church and state, and that having a religion is not a be-all and end-all, the number of times I’m asked what my religion is, from Facebook to the census and general questionnaires, perhaps it’s best to just leave well alone and go on as the no-name philosophy I’ve chosen – equal parts new age larks and bits and pieces of this and that, from Buddhism to Judaism and certainly no Catholicism.

Chai, chai, chai

Ofra Haza, from http://www.haza.co.il

I’ve spent this evening listening to Ofra Haza’s “Chai” on repeat, at least two-dozen times now, and I wish to declare her my second “Eurovision crush”. Here she is performing “Chai” at the 1983 contest, where she represented Israel to come second:

“Chai, chai, chai – Ken, ani od chai!”

(Alive, alive, alive – Yes, I’m still alive!)

I learnt of Haza a few years ago through indulging my inner sociopath – playing Grand Theft Auto: Liberty City Stories – her anthemic “Im Nin’alu” is part of the game’s soundtrack. At the time, despite my burgeoning Philosemitism and eventual love of all things Israeli, I didn’t know that Haza was born in Israel, Jewish and a Eurovision contestant to boot. Could there be three greater things? I’ve since discovered that the lyrics to “Im Nin’alu” are based on a Hebrew poem written in the 17th century:

Im nin’alu daltei n’divim daltei marom lo nin’alu

Even if the gates of the rich are closed, the gates of heaven will never be closed.

– Rabbi Shalom Shabazi

How much better would the Occupy movement have been if that was the mantra?

The song, originally released in 1984, was eventually remixed and tweaked and ended up in the Top 10 of various European countries, peaking at no. 1 in West Germany in 1988. The original version was released on the album Yemenite Songs, also known as Fifty Gates of Wisdom – without listening it puts Fifty Shades of Grey in the shade, doesn’t it?

A brief look-up of Ofra Haza reveals heaps of good things – including this interesting snippet from Haza’s official website: in 1986, Margaret Thatcher was a guest of the Israeli parliament and met Haza, who gave Thatcher a brief lesson in Yemenite dancing. Apparently Thatcher was given two of Haza’s albums and wrote to her afterwards, “I listen to your albums with great pleasure.” How awesome is that? For all the bashing you hear of Thatcher and her policies, to think the PM could have been singing and dancing (like me as I write this) around Downing Street to an Ofra Haza song is a wonderful thought. Don’t ruin it for me by saying it was just a PA or the tea-lady forging Mrs T’s signature.

Ofra Haza and Margaret Thatcher, from http://www.haza.co.il

And as for the “Eurovision crush” title – well, I’ve been watching the Eurovision Song Contest since I was about 13 or 14, when here in Australia we get a delayed telecast of the proceedings with commentary from our own Des Mangan; if you think Terry Wogan was an ace commentator, then you’ve never heard Des do it. Unfortunately, I can’t find any footage of Des and Eurovision through the usual channels (read: YouTube), but to give you an idea, here’s one of Des’s intros from one of SBS’s Saturday night “cult films”. See what I mean?

My favourite Eurovision year has been 2010, when Lena Meyer-Landrut won for Germany with “Satellite” – one of the best pop songs made since 1998, in fact, it could have sat easily on the charts back then, with its flirty lyrics and easy to learn chorus – and I was able to pick first, second and third of the contest, which has made me want to bet on the competition every year since.

I like Eurovision for the blatant theatrics and camp so obvious it’s more a farce. I’ve also wanted to do the drinking game for it too – a shot of whatever you fancy whenever a “reveal” occurs, or a song changes key, languages or has some form of “special effects”; an easy and fun way to get hammered, basically drink whenever anything happens – but have always missed out due to having no funds when the contest is on. I shan’t do a Withnail and slug down vanilla essence, the closest I’ve got to proper booze.

And here’s another of my favourite Eurovision entries: in 2007, Israel was represented by a mob called Teapacks with the song “Push the Button” (the complete opposite from the Sugababes same-titled tune), a rock meets hip-hop/dub-step of English, French and Hebrew (they even rap in it). Apparently “controversial” because it featured references to Iran and nuclear war (the eponymous pushing of the button to launch missiles) – controversial to whom? Don’t tell me that even the Eurovision Song Contest isn’t safe from anti-Semitism? If a British entry – atrocious as they are – made references to bombs and mass-destruction (Why not get Faithless next year?), would it be considered “controversial”? Would it be seen as a dig against a fascist regime, the likes of which haven’t made such a presence in Eurovision since Spain’s General Franco ordered the namby-pamby “La La La” to trump Cliff Richard’s equally naff “Congratulations” in 1968; or would it simply be listened to as another song in the same treacle-laden vein as John Lennon’s “Happy Xmas (War is Over)”?

The defence rests, m’lud.

Related articles

• Sounds Israeli: Ofra Haza (jewishpress.com)

Why I hate the BDS movement

Since the age of sixteen, I’ve had a deep love, interest and respect for Jewish people, whether they be practicing or just of the blood pure. It all started from reading the columns of Julie Burchill, the British journalist who is known as one of the fiercest defenders of Israel in the British media. Where are the defenders of Israel in Australia?

Why do I have such a thing for Jews? I can’t explain but I hope the following list will. How many of the people listed are either clever, talented, intelligent, funny, switched-on, interesting or even downright sexy, and all because they’re Jewish, regardless of whether by birth, religious observance or descent:

• John Safran
• Deborah Conway
• Sir John Monash
• Malcolm Fraser
• Frank Lowy
• Abe “Mr Sin” Saffron
• Robert Manne
• Peter Singer
• Sir Peter Abeles
• Poppy King
• Sidney Myer
• Renee Geyer
• David Helfgott

And that’s just a selection from Australia alone. I could go on with a list of people from overseas but we’d never hear the end of it, such is my passion.

I consider myself a philosemite (a Judeophile if you will, but small-minded people hear the suffix of “phile” and their minds go instantly to child abuse – I can’t fathom it either) and am very slowly learning all about Judaism, Israel and Zionism. Thanks to Burchill’s and others’ writings and the dozens of books I’ve read, I’m gradually becoming more passionate and learned.

I overcame the slight dislike of my name once I learnt it was of Hebrew origin, (Yeshua, translated to God is Salvation) and that even the alias I tooled about with, Levi, was again by coincidence Hebrew, meaning “joined in harmony”.

But the real turning point for me was when I decided to join a political party. Being of a lefty persuasion (despite favouring Israel over Palestine, a slap in the face to any left-leaning cause) I decided to join the Socialist Alliance, cheap at only $15 a pop for yearly membership. I only attended meetings and such for a fortnight before realising what a crock it was, of people brainwashed by words like “solidarity” and “cause” and “consciousness” bandied about like stones, the same stones that Israelis are pelted with by Palestinians. Also I got out before the question over the Middle East arose and would surely have been kicked out anyway. I can just picture myself being chased out of Trades Hall for refusing to kow-tow to the demands of a group of people whose chosen fashion accessory is one of Mum’s tea towels, straight out of the third drawer down.

Months later and the Boycott, Divestment and Sanctions campaign kicked into full swing in Australia, spearheaded by Senator Lee Rhiannon of the NSW branch of The Greens, and a few mimsy words from then party leader Bob Brown, who didn’t anywhere near calling it out on the anti-Semitic bullying it is (And doesn’t Lee Rhiannon always remind you of that weird teacher from primary school that nobody liked and always smelled like they’d pissed themselves and rolled round in chicken-salt before leaving home?).

I’m glad I cut all ties with the lefty loonies by then, because at that time they all decided to do the only thing a BDS campaign can do, to picket a chocolate shop because it was started by two guys who happened (by fortune) to have been born in Israel. I was livid and had a near panic-attack when I read in the papers that 19 protestors (some of whom were from the S.A., just one letter away from S.S.) were arrested for protesting outside a Max Brenner store in Melbourne’s CBD, on charges including riotous behaviour, trespass and besetting premises. In my upset state I seriously thought that the next thing the S.A. would do was goose-step down Glen Huntly Road to Caulfield, Elsternwick and Balaclava (the home of most of Melbourne’s Jewish population) and attack any newsagent that dared to sell the Australian Jewish News. Thankfully, this has not happened, but if anything so resembles that sickening thought I’ll be on the first plane down there to abuse them in turn whilst proudly wearing my Israeli flag-patterned bandana (sorry,  it was cheaper than buying an actual flag-sized flag, of which I hope to buy a few to put up in my front windows).

Picketing Max Brenner stores and other businesses with links, however tenuous, to Israel is not just confined to Melbourne, or even Australia, but has happened throughout the world too – from London to Los Angeles. It also happened at around the same time to another Max Brenner store in Brisbane, and delightfully the BDS mob were met by a counter-protest, with bigger numbers and louder voices. Happily there was as a pro-Israel protest and show of support for the beleaguered chocolate shop in Melbourne, although sadly (to me personally) was sponsored and organised by the Liberal Party (don’t let the name fool you, international readers – the Liberal Party of Australia are conservative and currently there’s a right-wing Catholic at the helm), but at last Josh Frydenberg, Liberal MP for Kooyong, finally endeared himself to me, by asking BDS protestors to their smug faces: “Where is your Boycott, Divestment, Sanction about the butchers in Syria, about Ahmadinejad in Iran and the perils of Hezbollah?” If I should ever move to Anglican, leafy, upper middle class Kooyong – he’s got my vote.

So why do we hear nothing from a pro-Israel point-of-view in the Australian media? Granted we hear precious little about the Middle East anyway, usually only a few seconds on the evening news of rockets being launched over borders. And even that’s only on World News Australia on SBS! Australia needs a shake-up to scrape off the anti-Semitic crust that somehow most people I’ve met have inherently got. Even last week a 17 year-old (now former) friend of mine heard me mention that I was reading about Israel. His response to this was “bomb the shit out of them.” Considering that the political history of the Middle East isn’t taught in high school history (for shame), how could he say this without knowing a thing? How come in February 2012 on a block of toilets in near-redneck Wantirna of all places, some yobs chose as graffiti “The best Jew is a dead Jew” and a picture of a stick-figure in a noose, in a place with no Jewish people at all?

As Peter Finch cried in Network, “I’m mad as hell and I’m not gonna’ take it anymore!” Why is there no history of out-and-proud philosemitism in Australia, particularly in the most Jewish-populated cities of Sydney and Melbourne? Why do studies say that anti-Semitism in Australia is on the rise since 9/11? Correct me if I’m wrong but was Israel in anyway involved in an attack that was orchestrated by the suicidal shareholders of Al Qaeda PLC? I know Muslims, whether fundamental or not, have taken stick (if not a branch), since then but blaming Jews for a cowardly offence committed by people? Have you not heard of Nick Griffin? Isn’t this just fringe-dwelling conspiracy nuts blaming Jewish people for everything wrong in their lives becoming mainstream?

It’s not on.

NOTE: Next I’ll be writing about what it’s really like attending a Socialist Alliance meeting and joining them on a protest – in other words, “My Brush with the Loony Left”.