An open letter to New Zealand, or maybe a suburban diaspora

Dear New Zealand,

although it may have seemed like a joke or a funny little aside for so many Australians to say after the result of the 2013 federal election, I am not playing around when I say I’m considering moving to your fair shores to escape the misery, strife and economic rationalism of a Tony Abbott-led government.

I have always had unwavering respect for your nation, believing it to be a smaller yet cleaner and far more progressive version of Australia. As Mark Latham said in one of his moments of lucidity, “New Zealand is the Switzerland of the Pacific”, obviously without the discrimination of migrants in parks and public pools and without Oprah Winfrey getting in a flap over being refused the purchase of a gaudy piece of fabric as a handbag that costs five-figures or some such.

I’ve been to New Zealand only once before, for a week’s holiday when I was 13, but I was very impressed with how bright, friendly and switched-on both your people and country is. I do not wish to piss in your pocket, but how are you not a bigger presence on the world stage? Oh but of course, you’re humble and happy to stay as one of the few happy and content wallflowers on the international stage.

As an Australian, I’ve always been conscious of not automatically claiming the people and products of your good country as “our” own, to me, Split Enz is New Zealand. Sam Neill is New Zealand. Russell Crowe. John Clarke. Pavlova. New Zealand.

I’ve enjoyed the films of Peter Jackson, specifically the pre-Hollywood titles: the ribald Bad Taste. The divine Heavenly Creatures and The Frighteners for having that foxy Trini Alvarado in a lead role.

Yes, I am willing to leave Australia because of a hard-line conservative government elected to rule, and yes, I am aware that currently New Zealand is governed by a conservative party, but hey, any conservative party that legalises marriage equality can’t be that bad, can it? I’m only a 23 and already a staunch Labor voter, but how impressive are the people of your own Labour Party? Helen Clark, Mike Rann and especially Georgina Beyer, the world’s first elected transgender MP! I am also impressed by how more equitable your society is in relation to your indigenous people, unlike Australia’s own.

New Zealand, if you’re happy to have me, I pledge full allegiance to Aotearoa, because after all, if a country that can give the world such happy and peaceful people (no, I’m not one of the Australian fools that idolises and glorifies the socioeconomic thuggery as a way of life of Once Were Warriors, seriously, how many skinny white teenage Aussies have to be a starfucker for that guy?) like Edmund Hillary, The Topp Twins, Ernest Rutherford and Janet Frame … well, I’m gushing so I’ll conclude.

Already quite a few left-leaning Australians are rhapsodizing migrating to New Zealand, and indeed this has already been decried as “comfortable, well-off white people”, but fuck that, I’m getting in first.If anyone wishes to fund my passage across the Tasman, please contact me to exchange bank details 😉